Amsterdam Coffeeshop Directory Forums

Posted: **Wed 19th Oct 2011 05:03 pm**

A mate of mine is addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him about it, he said he could stop at any time.

My girlfriend thinks i'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet..

My girlfriend asked for a pet spider for Xmas, so i went down the pet shop and they wanted 70 quid for one.
Fuck that, I thought, I'll get one much cheaper on the web...

Posted: **Thu 20th Oct 2011 01:48 pm**

I took my mother-in-law out last night....................one punch, down she went.

Posted: **Thu 20th Oct 2011 03:36 pm**

hehe all good. lol

Posted: **Thu 27th Oct 2011 03:25 pm**

....when blondes have more fun, do they know it?????????????????????

Posted: **Thu 27th Oct 2011 07:11 pm**

I went to the premature ejaculation clinic today but no-one was there.
I guess I came too early...

Posted: **Sun 30th Oct 2011 12:03 pm**

...after Monday and Tuesday....even the calendar says WTF...

Posted: **Sun 30th Oct 2011 01:11 pm**

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

....

You can't marmalade a cock up someone's ass

Posted: **Thu 1st Dec 2011 08:38 pm**

Story from a Kansas State
Highway Patrol officer :

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console.
Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.

I then asked her what was she afraid of?

She looked me right in the eye and said....

"Not a fucking thing!"

Posted: **Wed 28th Dec 2011 10:48 pm**

I took my uncle to the shopping centre the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66) and we decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him, she had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
orange, and blue.
My uncle kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my uncle staring back every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my uncle, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
you might be my kid."

Posted: **Mon 2nd Jan 2012 09:54 pm**

At Penn State University there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident in their grades that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some outside friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than take the final as scheduled, they decided that after the final was given they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they had visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy, they then turned the page.
On the second page was written. . .

...for 95 points:
Which tire?

Posted: **Tue 3rd Jan 2012 01:47 pm**

^^^

Posted: **Tue 3rd Jan 2012 02:23 pm**

In the English classroom the other day, little Johnny raised his hand, when the teacher asked what he wanted, he said: "Miss, I ain't got no pencil."
The teacher said: "no, no, no, Johnny, you can't say it like that, it should be; I have no pencil, we have no pencil, they have no pencils.
Little Johnny raises his hand again, and says: "Miss, where are all the fucking pencils then?

Posted: **Wed 4th Jan 2012 03:02 am**

Got a limited edition Cluedo for Xmas this year. The "Gang Rape" version.
Piss easy, turns out they all did it...

Posted: **Sat 7th Jan 2012 11:20 pm**

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan,
how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! and how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied.....

'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Posted: **Wed 11th Jan 2012 09:17 pm**

Warning. Bunch of bad one-liners follows. I like my humor obtuse, absurd, and Bill Hicksian...

Life is just one long chain of misunderstandings, beginning with, "be fruitful and multiply". What He really meant was to grow pears and apples, and study mathematics.

I think that there's two kinds of people. Those that think that there's two kinds of people, and those that don't.

I'm still trying to decide whether I should over-think it or not.

Aww, c'mon, you know that I'm too cold and unfeeling for that old guilt trick to work.

Please excuse me while I'm being fucking overly dramatic!

Vision's gotten so bad that I squint when I dream.

It's funny... It's awkward... It's fawkward!

When I was a kid I had an invisible friend named Charlie. Some adults have an invisible friend, named Jesus.

Luckily I've never been married, although I did have a couple of near Mrs.

I had an out-of-body experience the other day, and I was completely beside myself.

Most people who get plastic surgery aren't satisfied with the results, but still they look pleasantly (and constantly) surprised.

When my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back, I asked her, "who did you think it was?"

When a couple of homesteaders were asked why they weren't evacuating due to the coming tornado, they replied, "God will protect us", to which the interviewer replied, "who do you think is sending it?"

Throwing acid is wrong, in some peoples eyes.

I'm from a very big family. Nine parents.

ba-dum pish

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